I have no idea what is going to come from writing this blog other than that it feeds my soul, and I know that I have to continue. Will it help anyone or will it just die with me when I do? When I’m no longer making the payments to the web hosting company. I may stop paying those well before I die. Perhaps I will just give it up one day. It could just be giving me a place to lean into my first love: Writing. For now, that’s enough.
I long for connection. Wish for someone to respond to what I write. It happens sometimes, which is a big reason why I continue. Connection is my lifeblood. I feel elated when someone loves the same obscure band, weird movie, podcast, or book as I do. I want to discuss it with them immediately. I’m not very good at surface talk and I feel like I come off as awkward after the first few sentences. But, if you want to share why a song speaks to you, contemplate the nature of consciousness, or quote The Big Lebowski, I’m your girl. The deeper we can go, the better. I want all of it and I am very comfortable if it gets a little dark.
When I was young, I used to think we were all snowflakes, but then depression made me think we were all programmed NPCs. Now, I think we are snowflakes again. There are definitely shared traits among us, but millions of variables make up who we are, so even if we are both Fours on the Enneagram or ENFP on the Myers-Briggs personality test, we often still present very differently. We have our own unique experiences and genetics that make us who we are. It makes me thankful to know that I am, in fact, unique but also comforted that I share my quirks and passions with others. I like being one of a kind, but love finding the shared threads between myself and another human.
Being a child was a lonely experience for me and I wonder if that cultivated my appetite to connect. Being pack animals, it is innate in all of us, but I think mine is turned up to eleven. Whatever the case, this transmission is coming to you.